I’ve entered into my 31 weeks’ pregnancy. Thankfully, I’ve been blessed with a healthy pregnancy. During my first trimester, I hardly had any nausea. In fact, my schedule was so full during the first three months of pregnancy that I had to fly back and forth almost every week between Geneva and Barcelona to finish my Theology study. If I hadn’t had a mild start of pregnancy and if I had often felt sick during that time, it would be very hard to finish all my final papers and graduate in time.
The second trimester truly was the most comfortable time of my pregnancy, just as they say. I signed up for two French intensive courses and went to school by public transport to learn French every morning from Monday to Friday, for about three months. In the afternoons, I would take a nap and do my homework and some exercises. My husband and I also had some responsibilities for our church for the most weekends. I felt motivated and full of energy most of the time. Sometimes I would even forget that I was with a baby. I had a good routine for those three months, not feeling overly tired, rather much fulfilled.
Then it came the third trimester. I heard people say it is the most challenging time of the whole the pregnancy. And they were right. I felt my belly started to grow much faster when I just entered into the 28th week. My body felt heavier and heavier. During the night, it became harder to turn around or found myself a comfortable position. And I had to get up to use the toilet at least once, sometimes twice even three times a night. Because of that, I usually feel tired in the morning and often attempt to go back for a nap right after breakfast… I have finished French study at school and was planning to keep studying at home, following the same school schedule. Then, I found out that I could hardly wake up at the same hour when I was getting ready for the day during my first two trimesters. Self-study is hard enough, it definitely gets harder when you are very pregnant.
Slow. I felt I start doing almost everything slowly, especially in the morning. I move slowly. I get into the shower slowly. I start my quiet-time slowly. I start cooking slowly… Some days, I found myself hardly get anything is done, which can feel pretty discouraging. My husband has been very helpful and supportive the whole time. Sometimes, I feel bad for not being able to do much for him or do the things I thought he’d like me to do. On top of all these is the pondering of the future, birthing, nursing, and parenting…
This morning, as I was praying, I realized that I had the feeling of being not enough. I had an “ideal me”, an unrealistic expectation for this period of time. Perhaps I’ve compared myself to other women, or part of me was trying to live to please my husband. And when I failed to meet my own expectations, I felt demotivated.
Peace. I need some peace in mind. What do you do when you feel you are not enough?
On Instagram, Facebook or any other social media, people tend to show off the best of themselves. You get all these images of perfect body, perfect lifestyle, perfect pregnancy and you tried to be or live just like that, but later only realized it’s like reaching for the star. You look around, seeing there are women who are at their peak of youth, career or family life; however, you are still trying so hard to find a job or fighting against some disease, or like me, could hardly move your heavy pregnant body to fit in the daily schedule.
So what do you do when you feel you are not enough? This morning, I returned to my Peace. You see, peace isn’t just a state of mind. When you come back to your true identity, you will realize it’s the reality of your redeemed inner life. It’s when you hear the One who created you and commanded your destiny reminding you that, you are enough. I. Am. Enough. It’s wrong and foolish to compare myself to others. It’s a mere expression of insecurity to live to please anyone else, other than for the Lord. And, “you are not enough” is just simply a lie from hell, which deserves to be rejected. Once again, I received from God the sufficient grace and everlasting love and felt empowered.
Baby is kicking (which I love), French books haven’t been opened today and laundry’s undone. What about the soon coming birthing, nursing, and parenting? Will I be able to catch up and manage all these? Will I be a good mom, wife or any other role might be given to me in the future? Well, we will find out later… But I do believe in this truth that no matter what the future holds, I am enough. It’s the faith in Christ. It’s drinking deep from the Source. And with that peace and assurance in heart, I will just keep going.